We live in a survey-happy culture. Practically every facet of our lives has a poll attached to it. Gallup, Pew, Bloomberg… they all offer statistical glimmers of insight into the minds and minutia of Americans. More folks prefer Hillary Clinton’s hair length short versus a long bob. 72 percent of Americans don’t think adding a special tax on junk food will encourage people to lose weight (you just can’t put a quantitative value on a French fry, especially the crinkle, crispy kind. Sorry. I’m hungry.) And zero percent of us think Kate Gosselin can dance. Ok. I made this up, but it’s a pretty safe assumption.

Consequently, we mirror the latest polling results spewed out by CNN or Fox News or, the definitive barometer of our fair nation, People Magazine. The numbers don’t lie — Angelina and Brad really do love each other. 80 percent of readers agree so it must be true!

If I’m honest, I’ve been seduced by the power of persuasive percentages. Much of my grocery shopping is influenced by moms who choose whole grain over the stuff that’ll spike your cholesterol even though I don’t actually know those moms though they look super fit in pictures. Heck, I even asked my doctor for a prescription for Boniva because Sally Field said is statistically important to women. That’s when Doc reminded me I’m not yet a post-menopausal woman with osteoporosis. I will be one day, Doc! Sally says bone loss is imminent! Shheeeesh.

Trouble is, I’ve never been on the other side of opinion polls. No one has ever called to ask of my TV show preferences. I’ve never answered an online questionnaire to be aired later on CBS News. And I want to be. My husband says I’m full of opinions.

So, when all the hoopla about the U.S. Census started brewing, I was primed and ready. Finally, my voice would be heard. Plus, the Census suddenly got cool. The Christopher Guest-directed TV commercials promoting the 2010 Census were witty and hip. I’m witty and hip. Well, I’m actually just hippy, but, alas, I would soon be a part of the most important survey of the decade!

One minor hitch: I was never mailed a Census form. I’d heard about those Left Behind, the faceless citizens sitting alone in a plane wondering where everyone else is. I’ll tell you where they are! At home completing their census with all the other Chosen Ones!

I have options, however. I can call the questionnaire assistance line and answer via the telephone or I can invite a census taker to visit me. Since I was wrongly overlooked the first time, I think it’s only proper I opt for a visit. Maybe I’ll get an upgrade census survey with a coupon for a free Sonic Route 44 drink. Most certainly, I have a few questions myself. First, why am I never polled during political elections? Is it about that silly Facebook post about Wolf Blitzer? Totally blown out of proportion. And, for the love of Pete, who votes for best movies of the week at the box office? The Tooth Fairy is not “Laugh Out Loud!”

I’d like to think, that somewhere in a dark, dank Census office cubicle, a man named Steve who is really named Raheem will be impressed by my answers. “Yes,” he’ll say, “Now, here’s someone who really stands for something. Kate Gosselin is a horrible dancer.”

All right, Mr. Census, I’m ready for my close-up.